self-love

I remember about a year ago, the only thing I was hanging on to was how beautiful I would look if I successfully continued on in my eating disorder. The only thing I felt beautiful about myself was possible future me. Thin. Tall-er looking because I was thin. Flawless. No fat. Just bone and muscle, well and skin. No curves for me please. I wanted clothes to hang loose on my body. There was something so beautiful in looking like I was disappearing or fading. Possibly because it showed how I was really feeling inside. Thankfully, my body, after so many years of starving, stuffing, purging and repeating, gave out. I feel like it gave out many times before, but this time it was different. I desperately wanted to live, but it felt like I wouldn't. For some miracle, I am still here. When the possibility of living became real, I was desperate to do whatever it takes to get better. I'm not saying I was all of a sudden: I love my body, life is great! in one moment...but trust me, I hoped it would be that easy. Anyways, so today, right here, right now. Thinking about my beauty...I just think of present me.No matter how tightly I close my eyes and hope and pray for things to shrink, for fat to dissolve, for me not to be me right now. I know when I open my eyes. I'm still me. My body is still the same. So do I keep hoping for something 'better'not knowing if better will ever come (will that really bring me happiness? I think not.)or do I just love myself right now. Because this is all I've got right now. I have this beautiful body that I am in.and I want to enjoy every part of it so right here right now.I am willing to love every part of myself because I've tried loving past me and future me.but all that's created is unhappiness, disillusionment, false hope, etc. But loving present me...that gives me so much. I can do whatever I want instead of worrying about food and exercise constantly. I can trust my body to make it own decisions. Without that fear, I can do so many things I've always wanted to do: lie on a rooftop gazing at the stars without worrying about the roof caving in, prancing around barefoot in a beautiful yellow dress without feeling self-conscious, being okay with me instead of trying to be what everyone else wants me to be. I know now that the people who matter in my life are those that live present me as well. They just enjoy me in that moment and I enjoy them in that same moment because that's all I could ever ask for. That's all life is. Moments in time.