self-love

I remember about a year ago, the only thing I was hanging on to was how beautiful I would look if I successfully continued on in my eating disorder. The only thing I felt beautiful about myself was possible future me. Thin. Tall-er looking because I was thin. Flawless. No fat. Just bone and muscle, well and skin. No curves for me please. I wanted clothes to hang loose on my body. There was something so beautiful in looking like I was disappearing or fading. Possibly because it showed how I was really feeling inside. Thankfully, my body, after so many years of starving, stuffing, purging and repeating, gave out. I feel like it gave out many times before, but this time it was different. I desperately wanted to live, but it felt like I wouldn't. For some miracle, I am still here. When the possibility of living became real, I was desperate to do whatever it takes to get better. I'm not saying I was all of a sudden: I love my body, life is great! in one moment...but trust me, I hoped it would be that easy. Anyways, so today, right here, right now. Thinking about my beauty...I just think of present me.No matter how tightly I close my eyes and hope and pray for things to shrink, for fat to dissolve, for me not to be me right now. I know when I open my eyes. I'm still me. My body is still the same. So do I keep hoping for something 'better'not knowing if better will ever come (will that really bring me happiness? I think not.)or do I just love myself right now. Because this is all I've got right now. I have this beautiful body that I am in.and I want to enjoy every part of it so right here right now.I am willing to love every part of myself because I've tried loving past me and future me.but all that's created is unhappiness, disillusionment, false hope, etc. But loving present me...that gives me so much. I can do whatever I want instead of worrying about food and exercise constantly. I can trust my body to make it own decisions. Without that fear, I can do so many things I've always wanted to do: lie on a rooftop gazing at the stars without worrying about the roof caving in, prancing around barefoot in a beautiful yellow dress without feeling self-conscious, being okay with me instead of trying to be what everyone else wants me to be. I know now that the people who matter in my life are those that live present me as well. They just enjoy me in that moment and I enjoy them in that same moment because that's all I could ever ask for. That's all life is. Moments in time.

for dora

this is just freewrite. not classified/labeled any particular form of writing, like us, just the way i like it. :)




I remember the first day we met
I bet you I noticed you before you noticed me
My 'big brown eyes' stared wide and innocent
chewing on my specially hand made sandwich, no mayo
the way you like it too
First day: Theatre Rice Spring '09
You had your yellow backpack on
kid-punching someone tall, probably Jacek
I don't remember because my focus was on you
chick with the chill punk-ish attitude
girl who could be blue
but sometimes also flew
on the clouds I drew
for you, up high
(sometimes i'd like to join the ride
no, wait that was anthony, or sasha)
I placed them precisely so
where i could watch your happiness grow
where i could catch you and know
you were ready for show.
Swung both ways
girl who plays
with other girl gays.
That's right.
I researched you.
Facebook. Stalkers' little playground.
but hey, I know you did the same.
looking at pictures of my ass
as i looked at pictures of your sass
or tits.
same thing, you know it fits.
I remember the first day we met.
and it was positively breathtaking
(probably because i choked on my sandwich).

I remember our first dance together.
that's when I (or my ass) got your attention.
that's also when I had my first taste of Lumpia (sp?)
Did I mention I loved dancing?
oh you knew once you saw me swaying these hips
left, right, up, down
potluck at Yue's, on the balcony with the your dirty mistress
that caught the glimpse of vanessa
as well as the glare of her boyfriend
I remember our first dance together
and oh, it would not be the last.

I remember our first walk together.
To what was it, walgreens, that's right.
you got your coffee and I got something lame i'm sure. probably trailmix?
It was such a short walk
but boy, could you talk.
do you a have a boyfriend?
no.
do you have a girlfriend?
your eyes lit up, a chuckle.
no. but i do swing both ways.
a glimmer of hope in your eyes.
who knew i would soon be your everyday girl
hand in hand
ass in hand
breast in hand
I remember our first walk together
and we will walk together again...
because i like feeling tall.

I remember our first official coffee meeting.
sugar, milk, sugar.
second floor of milano.
I sat on the inside on the bench.
i hid my sweat and BO.
I needed to fit in my run
before meeting you.
up a beautiful hill, down it to dry the sweat
taking a few breaths in and out to calm down
and look presentable for you
you would soon find out my obsession,
but not that day.
that day we talked about our charcoal experience
our first and last
because we love life,
i really believe we do.
the beauty, the spontaneity, the love
oh the love.
we covered a lot that day
i forgot about how sticky i was.
and i laughed, wonderful ab workout
we were connected
like two lobster linked together
I remember our first official coffee meeting
that's the day i felt i had found my lobster
but then i realized you were a crab...

I remember my 21st birthday.
You made it the best.
I didn't drink.
but i look back at that day
in awe.
in silence
with a grin so wide.
wide enough to fit your fist,
yes as wide as your punani.
actually i don't know,
never been there,
don't think i'll be trekking there soon.
I remember my 21st birthday.
and i will remember it until...no i'm going to live forever.

I remember our first kiss.
someone else's bed.
music in the background.
and i couldn't help laughing.
never kissed anyone with piercings there.
it was funny.
then at safeway.
with jerry.
deer in the headlights.
remember when i was like,
jerry thought we were a couple
where would he get that idea?
and then he sees us kissing in the frozen foods aisle.
I remember our first kiss (or actually third)
i'm sure jerry does too.

I remember the first day we slept together.
no, get your mind out of the gutter.
i lied on that tiny mattress of yours.
and you slept on the floor.
you slept oh so peacefully
making those lovely sounds you make
because i'm a light sleeper.
i stared at the ceiling
tossed a glare your way
then saw your innocent childlike expression
mouth open
then the sounds turned into music
and i fell asleep...finally.
I remember the first day we slept together
it was the first day i thought i could kick you to wake you up. lol

I remember our first bath together
i did a little dance for you.
my red sports bra
damn that was a nice bra
i think we needed more bubbles.
but you were fine with what we had.
everything was safe.
no tears
only laughter
and happiness.
and perhaps a nip slip.
from you of course
i remember our first bath together
it was like watching the superbowl with miss jackson
but your version was better



I remember your 21st birthday.
I was here.
You were there.
but in reality,
we were together holding hands
on top of the roof
staring at stars
improvising spoken words (which btw, this isn't)
making wishes.
that night...
remember that night?
well, my wish came true.
i guess yours did too.
i am so grateful to be alive
i'm a new person, a beautiful person
because of you
of us, you say
i guess we're a power couple that way
now this new me is ready to live
the way i deserve to live
and this time,
my wish
would be to be back on the roof
hand in hand
laughing at the toilet flushing
rhyming and blushing
as we lean in close
crinkling our toes
nose to nose
behind us a shooting star flashes by
i turn to make a wish
while grazing your boob
but realize that all i really want
i already have.

i love you erika.
hope you had an amazing birthday.
blow out your candles
don't waste your wish on me
boots will be home soon, you'll see.